So I have been reading about joy and the importance of focusing on people and God...
and I have this frustration inside. Its this tension between my experience and these good goals. How can I focus on feeding the children's souls when they all talk to me at once? I feel so BOMBARDED by them, that I can barely focus on finishing the most BASIC task at hand let alone nurture their tender hearts. I try to shut out the din and repeat myself to the one. But my internal temp rises when these efforts are DISREGARDED by the other children, they stomp, yell, cry about their urgent unmet need. My tension leaks out of heart and mouth. And the whole thing escalates.
In my quiet moments alone, I wish I could draw each one near one on one. I feel as if I could connect then. This residue of tension is hard to shake--so I am writing and listening to the audio Bible and stoking my spirit with the fire of His Spirit, so that I can come alive again to love.
And this is what I do everyday. This is what it means to me to "spend time with God".
3 comments:
You are more than enough. I see your kids draw near to you in their casual, unthought moments…just to sit by you or hold your hand. To me this says that no matter what is going on in your heart and mind, they feel loved and safe with you. It's good.
Your children are so blessed to have you, Holly Kimball, as their mother. I so admire your habit of reflection and assessment of your mothering.
I, too, find myself in this same struggle...in slightly different ways.
I have some thoughts that I can't figure out how to say concisely in a blog comment box, but maybe we can hang out soon and I'll share them :)
Peace to you, friend. I'm glad you posted this so I can pray alongside you today.
~Beth
thx for the prayers and encouragement. Today I decided that in the midst of helpless feelings, I am just going to thank God for the struggle. Thank him and trust Him.
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