This year my husband and I celebrated 27 years of marriage. Wow! I remember the first time someone asked me how long I had been married, I replied to the grocery story cashier, "Two months!" When we began this journey, my husband surprised me by wanting to use the ancient marriage vows. At the time, although the language of the vows seemed archaic, I understood that he felt they were time tested and "safer". I agreed but had no idea that choice foreshadowed my future. One of the reassurances I had that Chad was a good match for me was our shared spiritual heritage. We both were impacted by the charismatic renewal of the early 70's. Our parents had joined covenant communities in the 80's and we were raised in community. Those in the community movement committed themselves to live more closely together than average church goers, taking care of each other sacrificially. My father-in-law gave generously in that season as an elder in his community and likewise, my dad served in leadership as an elder. As communities broke up in the mid-80's, many members felt at home transitioning into the Vineyard Christian churches. Chad and I met in a regional Vineyard youth gathering. Spiritually, we became zealous, pious youth who valued fasting, giving to the poor, expressive worship, and the supernatural spiritual gifts. We had so much in common, I didn't realize that our adult life would pull us in different spiritual directions.
This change was marked by significant experiences in our young adult lives. I attended Youth With A Mission's basic training schools and the Teachers for the Nations training school. This was followed by a Bachelors in Family Ministry/Pre-Counseling at a conservative Bible college, Moody Bible Institute. Chad, on the other hand, spent 4 years at a very liberal college studying English and minoring in ESL and fine art painting. During the early 90's post-modernism raged at Eastern University creating distrust in the students of their perceptions. The propaganda of the school undermined trust in the church and the Bible. Especially in the Arts and English departments, professors embodied the zeitgeist and evangelized the innocent youth. The question, "How can we know?" and the skepticism they created left a mark on Chad.
He began to question what before was assumed by his Baptist christian school upbringing, sola Scripture. He wondered, "if we trust the councils to give us the canon of Scripture, than why don't we trust the other things they wrote, established, and practiced?" In other words, the canon was established by the church council, so why do we ignore the councils? Why do we ignore the tradition that confirmed the teachings of Jesus and the Apostles? We accept that tradition gave us the canon, but as Protestants, we don't accept tradition. That seemed inconsistent and bugged Chad for years.
After the decade of ministry and baby making, things were becoming more routine and slowing down for us. It was at this time he could not ignore the felt inconsistency of his faith any longer. He began to dig deeper. Chad started reading more and more about the ancient church and about all the topics related to it including the each of the councils, papacy, priestly succession, communion and the sacraments, iconography and ancient art, Mary, praying to the saints and more. Taking one topic at a topic, he would study and research, and take notes. It seemed to me that he did one topic a year for 7 years or so, but regardless of what he studies, he spent a decade researching. At the same time, he sought truth experientially and started attending the Eastern Orthodox Church in Chicago, meeting regularly with the priest, asking questions and seeking answers. Although he was encouraged to "take things on faith" as a protestant, that wasn't good enough--he needed answers.
The Eastern Orthodox Church was a natural choice as it has not changed since 700AD, but functions essentially the same, not having delineated new doctrine since the last council of all the patriarchal churches. There were less problematic theological ideas because many items the Catholic Church has explained and implemented since 700AD are left grey. However, after moving to Michigan we encountered an extremely strong and vibrant Catholic community impacted 50 years ago by the charismatic renewal in which the present generation benefits from a heritage of devout and lively relationship with God. This community, strong in outreach and theology, began to press in on us. My daughter Bethan became Catholic following her Father's logic, but taking that leap of faith with the things she did not fully understand having had an encounter with Jesus at adoration calling her into this expression of the faith. However, Chad still had questions regarding the Papacy and the priest's role in presenting infallible truths to the church. With time, these questions were resolved for him by discussion with Catholic converts and members and reading the catechism and several more tomes on the subject.
Which brings me to today when my husband of 27 years will attend the catechism classes this Fall and work towards membership in the Catholic Church. Now, we must figure out how to move forward as a couple. Because I was raised in the Catholic charismatic movement, this direction has produced numerous mixed feelings for me.
I have wondered why God would have led my Dad to pull me out of the Catholic Church only to have my husband want to pull me back in? I feel jerked around. I can't describe this feeling or perception of my circumstances only that it is confusing. I have benefitted greatly by my Dad's spiritual leadership in my life that has made me who I am today. I am thrilled he was zealous for the things of God and not just right theology or moral living, but a life of experiencing the transformational power of God, which was first introduced to him in the Catholic charismatic movement, but which later was fully developed under John Wimber's influence in the Vineyard movement. As a conservative christian I believe I am to submit to the leadership that God has placed in my life including my father and my husband. Chad is not forcing me to join nor is he pressuring me; however, his moving in this direction is a leadership choice in our family. It affects my children today, my future grandchildren and our life together. So, I wonder at God's sovereignty in my life.
I would like to receive therapy for our marriage as we try to figure this out, but here is why I am writing today--how can anyone find an unbiased therapist in this respect? The trouble is that, I believe, and I may be wrong, that Catholics might wonder what's the big deal--why is this so hard for me? And Protestants would tend to judge Chad as an unbeliever who for some crazy reason wants to believe in a religion of "works salvation."
On the one hand, I think a Catholic therapist wouldn't understand that for me, although I respect the intense mental effort my husband has made to an have an authentic faith, my heavy commitment to Biblical training in my younger years, near 7 years to be exact plus much additional church trainings, has prepared me to serve in an expression of the Faith that is a certain kind of way. I don't want to have to go back as Chad did and rethink my whole faith. I feel I am too old for that. I have a passion to put my faith in action at this stage of my life--to teach with passion in the classroom and to go to the nations, imparting the gifts of the Spirit and bringing the life changing Gospel of healing, deliverance and salvation. I also don't want to lose what I have gained, wisdom and experience in the Protestant world, nor do I want my family to lose those things, my children or grandchildren. There is great loss for me in this change. I wouldn't want to offend a Catholic therapist by saying, "not really interested in your Catholicism." It sounds horrible just typing it.
On the other hand, I think a Protestant therapist, would misjudge and most likely hold the word on the street judgements that Protestants have of Catholics. Having heard these thoughts for years within the Protestant community, I believe they espouse a general misunderstanding of Catholic doctrine, and a confusion of their theology and practice--that is, what they should believe vs. how they live and what they practice. This in itself is a large conversation, but suffice to say that what most pastors spout from the stage is a surface glance at their brother next door. A book like Desiderius Erasmus and Marin Luther, Discourse on Free Will begins to uncover the subtleties of the conversation that are so important to understanding Catholic beliefs on grace and man's free will in regard to salvation. I would suggest that sometimes truth is simplified to the level that it becomes a lie and fails to communicate. The physics professor, Richard Feynman once said that to learn physics, you first have to learn the basic principles of physics. Later, you unlearn them as the real truth is so much more complex that your starting point looks like lies. And honestly, I don't think in regard to the more complex issues of the faith, most Protestants care to understand beyond what they are spoon fed on Sunday morning. I don't mean to sound harsh here, because I understand as I mentioned before, often we don't have the time or desire to go deeper. And therapists are not theologians, they specialize in how people work not on God's plan for humanity. So to find a therapist who is a theologian which is what we need, well, it's hard.
