Stumbling along blindly in this parenting journey....

When you love her, she puts it in her bucket with a hole in it.  Next thing you know, 'bam!"--a backstab and betrayal.  Watch your back and don't have a bad day--there's no grace for you.  The love runs out as fast as you put it in.

When you  teach her, she forgets.  Its like a Day in the Life of Alexander S.  moving rocks.  Its Frost's "aimless circling."  Her mind has so many options, yours is a faint suggestion at the end of a very long line of powerful competing desires.

She's distracted.  She walks in a crooked line going backward and forwards and sideways, forgetting where she began and where she's going.  

There's no initiation.  She prefers to respond. She finds her echo fairly quickly when she hears a sound, especially the sound of someone's voice.  That's the main sound she hears, that spontaneous voice of bird, mailman, stranger at the door.  She hears the gossip next door, the delicious morsels of drama whispered by her teenage sisters but forgets the task at hand. 

I have to let go of everything.  The past efforts, the present expectations.  The future feels bleak.  How can you get anywhere with a child who has no will power and is a slave to her whims and desires?  

 

Realize it will take a lot longer.  Some brain trauma may not heal.  Focus on who she is becoming and not what she will produce.  Embrace the broken and let it purify you, make you discover what love truly is.

Adoptive parent blues

 Some days I feel so depressed as an adoptive mom.  It seems like nothing I do makes a difference.  I am pouring all my life into a bucket with a hole.  As I face the teen years ahead, I feel overwhelmed.  My child does not trust me after all the years I have invested into her.  She has a basic distrust that my best days are never enough for.  I am so discouraged by my relationship with her.  It feels overwhelming to move forward.  I am writing this because I believe many parents feel as I do yet they feel alone.  

Each day and hour I have to trust Jesus to feel good about myself and not be overwhelmed with feelings of failure and guilt.  Each day I have to know who I am in Christ when it feels like my enemy is living in my house.  I struggle to know I have self worth when my child consistently ignores my teaching, is unresponsive, betrays me, draws away from me, hurts me, disrespects me ..... day after day after day.  I feel so tired and drained. 

Its a beautiful fall day in Michigan.  The leaves are beginning to turn and the forest lined gravel roads are turning yellow.  The quiet of nature is disrupted by the lies and yelling and denial in the van.  Chaos in minutes.  The fighting ruins the beauty of God's creation--it intensifies my sadness.  Why doesn't the crazy go away? 

On top of the worries about our relationship and her lack of trust and bad behavior, I am trying to sort out the mystery of her learning challenges.  She seems unable to follow a sequence of directions without a list For. Every. Thing.  I am wondering if this grade is too hard for her, if she needs an extended 6th grade.    Thankfully, I can't count this blessing today--the local middle school Special Ed agreed to test her.  Which is no small thing--covid has shut down so many resources these days.  And, public schools have money strings attached--they wouldn't give my sophmore a PSAT test.  God give Chad and I wisdom together and  a plan.  Please help me keep my eyes and heart fixed on you.

Really trying to turn a corner in my parenting

This kind of crazy I am trying to deal with as an adoptive parent.  And she is so right but its SO HARD!

Family adventures

Bethan loses a tooth!

Chad paints a new dining room piece.  When I told him I'd "whip one up" and then got out all his painting supplies, he had no problem coming up with a great idea!  I love it!

Ice skating girls... my little Ethiopia and these two were playing tag at Oaklawn Ice Arena today.  So adorable!

These cuties!

So excited to hear that someone is working in this area!!!

This region has been outside of other ngo's and is so dear to our heart as Halaba Kulito is the nearest town to Aziza's birth village.  We are SO hoping Roots can do a great work in the area to stimulate the economy and help people rise up out of poverty.
Roots Ethiopia in Halaba!

On Safari

Aziza and I read Water Hole Waiting 



today... a story of an African water hole and all the animals that visited there.  They referenced a live safari webcam where we hope to spot an Elephant!!

Books for African American Girls

Its amazing how hard it is to find good books for little brown girls... that are wholesome (and not all about slavery or some key family member dying).

When we brought Z home, a friend found a set of Elizabeti books, great stories with an African setting:

Here was another good random find... an Easter book that takes place in Israel--its the story of a young jewish boy and young ethiopian boy learning about Jesus:

  

and another newer arch book: 

I was excited to find at the thrift....the magic attic club...

My mother in law found this for our Ethiopian American girl

and this is the only one I saw at Target, "I'm a Pretty Little Black Girl"

And we found the book for Z when she is a bit older about an Ethiopian princess, (but not the doll) "Saba"

You may say, "Does it matter? Kid's don't see color. Just love."  Well yea, they see color AND love. 

After reading 3 Thanksgiving books, Aziza says, "Aren't there any books with brown faces?" 

Like, "Why are all the families white?"

I'm like, "Yea that's true."  I grabbed the ten (out of 300) kids books we have (yes that's homeschool) for her to see some brown faces and then thought seriously about what I could do for her.  At the library, I asked the librarian's help, and well, she didn't come up with much.  They were given "most popular" books when the library was created despite the fact they are in an all hispanic/black neighborhood.  She goodnaturedly was up for the challenge of keeping a look out and buying what she could for the 7-9 year old girl range, yea! 

If you have any good recommendations, please comment below...

Reminding myself.

Last year was so difficult at this time.  We were agonizingly waiting for some word that we could go get our Aziza.  We didn't know when she would be cleared for a visa, and we had been waiting 2 months by Christmas time. My mom bought me a little black angel girl statue holding a star in her hand that said, "Hope".  I used to stare at it and cry and tell myself to keep hoping--to hold the star of hope high in my heart.

Aziza is adjusted in our home now...she prances around the wooden blocks and Lincoln Logs as the family plays together.   She has her place in our home, in our hearts, in each sibling relationship.  We are familiar.  My heart has quickly forgotten those heart-wrenching moments (put them away as quick as I could).  Don't become too familiar, Holly.  I stared at her big flat lips tonight, "Give me a kiss, Aziza.  Do you remember what you said when you first saw me?  '--Tinnish'" 
 "Tiny!!!" She squeals back.  
"That's right--Do you still think my lips are tinnish?" 
"Yes!" with an embarrassing nuzzle into my neck.
I am so thankful for the gift of her Presence this year. 

So much of what I ask for from God I want Now!  or Yesterday.  Its hard to wait for his perfect timing.  But I have to remember it will come and I am in a big rush, but He knows what's best.  I want to move to a better house situation, I want to dig deeper into community, I want to find a really charismatic prayer meeting... I want I want I want--
I need a little chill up in this choleric hot mess--

It comes.

***This vid was from the summer... "Neck her?" I was desperate for words at that point--those goof balls.

Why does she get that and I donnnnnnn't??????

Orphanage behavior...one of the hardest things to teach Aziza is that she not the same as everyone else.  

Now most kids want everything "fair" but her concept of fair means 10=4.  

It makes sense that all the kids in her group would have had the same treatment, but a family is different.  She is the littlest here, and that comes with some lack of privilege, which is hard for her to accept.  And, just another area for me to show and grow in patience.

Home Therapy

Aziza: Mom I'm sad, I want to watch that movie.
Me: We don't watch movies when were sad.  We don't eat when we're sad.  We get hugs and sing songs.  Let's sing some songs.  (She goes to get her little board book of six Christian songs and I sit with her in the rocking chair and rock rock rock and sing sing sing).

Aziza: My mom and dad are in Ethiopia.
Me: No.... (she knows this but doesn't like it)  Your birth dad is there.  Your mom is dead.  She is in the ground in Ethiopia.
Aziza:  I feel sad about that.
Me: yes
Aziza: I feel angry about that!
Me: yesss, you will probably always feel a little sad about that.
Aziza: I want to go to Ethiopia!  I am going to be mad in my quiet time!
Me: punch this pillow.  Really hard!  Do you want to listen to the Mommy & Daddy tape in your quiet time?
Aziza (with a smile): yes!

Our little girl is beginning to feel safe to share her feelings and be real about her pain.  This is normal for this stage...but its so hard, too.  How would I feel if my mom were dead?  To have to tumble this around in a 4 year old mind--its tragic.  I remind her how God saw she was sad and didn't have a mommy or daddy and sent me to get her to bring her into our family.  But this story we have to tell Over & Over.  Her wound is deep and she like us adults is seeking to relieve the pain in unhealthy ways.  I don't know if she will learn how to soothe herself in a healthy way, but my prayer is that she will turn to the true source of life and love and not meager substitutes.  Please pray with me.

i am so amazed by some adoptive families...

 As I have jumped into the adoption world, I have found some of the most amazing God-loving/ People-loving people.  People who are radically living out their faith.... I have been so inspired by the story of Verity (link on the sidebar) and how her God loving faith filled mom took a down syndrome 9 year old the size of a infant--home to love.  Today on my sickbed I have watched videos of this Twietmeyer family from Illinois...who have adopted six Ethiopian children, two who have HIV--literally saving the life of one of them who needed her white mother's blood transfusion just to get on the plane home.  These are remarkable people who claim only faith in a God who provides and submission to his will for them.  I have had my stereotypes and fear challenged by these people...they are beyond my faith--at the moment--but they are increasing it by their testimony.

Videos from the site below and links on that page address some major questions I wd have re: adopting an HIV+ child...what do you do about blood wounds in the home?  How can they have children?  How is life different from a family w/o an HIV child?

My question for the christian world---will we shrink back in fear?

For myself, I don't know if my faith can overcome my fear, but I want to be educated, not ignorant of the realities of this kind of love,

I have been ignorant

 and I want to understand HOW these moms got their faith to this level, and who knows what God will ask of me, but I want to be ready and willing IF he would ask it of me.


The Sweet Naomi: Truth about HIV+ adoption: I am not going to reinvent the wheel...there are so many great resources about HIV+ adoption out there. Here are a few. Read truth! And ...


 

Thinking of Ethiopia...

OK so I have been thinking about living in Africa by myself and here are the fears and things that make me uncomfortable...

--being dependent-having to ask for things
--being ignorant: not knowing the "right" thing to say or do. And being embarrassed when I make mistakes.
--Will I be annoying to my host?
--Will my child be out of control/unmanageable in public?
--Not having a plan...not knowing how things will come together. I am so NOT a fly by the seat of your pants girl. Chad is, and how ironic that he is staying when he said to me the other day, "If I was going, I wd take A to Lalibela and hold her on my lap the whole time." no plan no problem for him... I want the details laid out: when, where, how and with whom.

(So I WANT to go to Lalibela--its a rock hewn church--yes an entire middle eastern medieval looking church multiple stories tall carved out of rock. And ancient. But I have to travel some hrs w/ child (w/unknown behavior) and take malaria meds which make you feel crazy. I'm just not that adventurous...maybe I would go if I were not alone...)

However, after our adoption training in Mt Vernon today, I more than ever want her in our care ASAP.

Often my brain feels split in different directions...

Some of the topics we've covered in school this last week...

Doctrine, Character and Government of the Early Church
Writing our compassion child a birthday letter
Learning Amharic
Hiawatha, Heidi, Nathaniel Bowditch...
The Letter I
Cranberry Thanksgiving, New England...

Rearranging my house, making special doc's appointments, researching about the next trip to Ethiopia, making video of A...

Thanksgiving prep and Christmas prep and buying gifts

This is a busy time and somehow I need to slow down, live each moment, and experience the presence of God in it. Or else my life will be just tasks and not people.

I do love this life though. I love being my own manager of my own time, the freedom to study with my kids what I think is important (Compassion for the poor is a great school subject; they are getting exposed to language #4 up close and personal)and the adventure of the call of God.

faith

I am laboring to birth faith in this waiting for Aziza. To believe that despite her sicknesses, lack of nutrition, lack of ...a family...a mommy to hold her and a daddy to make her laugh that: “From where we stand, we can’t see whether it’s something’s good or bad. All we can see is that God’s sovereign and He is always good, working all things for good.” (Ann V.) From my narrow view, it seems bad that she is alone in an orphanage when she could be here, cared for and loved by family. My heart aches to have her with us. But I am pressing in to where faith is.... believing in God's good work right now in this moment in her life.

hard week

This week has been full of tears. First to hear of Joey's tragic death.... the tears and memories come and go. And my mind fantasizes about rescuing him. But the story is over. It can't be changed. I know he is happy with God, but I feel sad. Then, we received pictures of Aziza, the ethiopian girl we are trying to adopt. She was sick last month. And I feel so sad that I could not comfort her. She had a boil on her head and a GI infection that both needed antibiotics....the photos show some kind of bumps on her face ..maybe traces of the skin infection that causes boils. I had to look up what a boil was. I was sad to discover that often they come from places where kids play in alot of dirt, where there is iron deficiency and a compromised immune system. I feel so helpless. And so I have been praying and trying to lean on the one who can Help, Jesus.

I was really excited to find a small unit study on this book, "Faraway Home" and the country of Ethiopia. I think it will help the kids prepare for their new adoptive sibling! http://www.homeschoolshare.com/faraway_home.php