The problem with teen christians not dating....

 So the social media may have changed in the last few years, but the phenomena has not:

"There are many people that have kissed....dating goodbye, but are still looking for a romantic fling.  Enter FLIRTSHIP, the popular new alternative to dating and courtship, its like dating but you don't go out, you use email, chat, texting and phone or just pair off whenever your are in the same vicinity either way you are definitely though not officially boyfriend and girlfriend."  from Boys: Its Not That Complicated.


What a great book for Christian families!  The authors see through parental fog to get to the heart of truly godly relationships between young people.  If you were not raised in a Christian family, your child dating another christian may seem like a good option.  As long as they are not sleeping together, you may not be concerned about their relationships with the opposite sex.  Or, maybe you see that dating has some pitfalls and your teen is not ready.  You aren't comfortable with his/her dating til they're ready for marriage.  They will still face many obstacles living out a godly relationship with the opposite sex.  Boys: It's Not That Complicated breaks down problems christian teens who are "not allowed to date" face in living a holy life.  We have chosen to use this book as our family devotional and its has provoked some great discussion.  The topic is already on the kids' minds and they enjoy laughing and discussing the crazy dynamics that go on between christian boys and girls.

After mentoring many couples, Chad and I are very familiar with the high speed train of emotional attachments.  We are more concerned that our kids understand what gets the train going more than the technical status of the relationship.

Parenting traps unseen

I see a pattern.  First generation Christian parents make similar mistakes.  Its like a tape stuck on repeat and I wonder why it happens?  I suppose that when you see your kids conforming to moral standards or religious standards in ways you never would have, it seems like things are going pretty well.  And then the rug is pulled from under the parent when a heart issue becomes a surprising sin issue.  The parent is caught unaware, "How could this have happened?" But all the while it was there, they just didn't make much of it.  Kinda like a bit of mold you might see on the yogurt container that the next time you look, has covered the entire surface with black fuzz.

YELLOW LIGHT *WARNING* DANGER AHEAD: 
Heart issues show themselves with "small" indiscretions..  little lies, disrespectful joking, emotionally charged boy/girl friendships, dating with kissing, excesses of time spent playing video games or hanging out without parents and with the opposite sex...   or with non believers...

To me, these are signs of issues that need addressing Now.  

I'm not a professional psychologist, a theologian, a child therapist, or a pastor, just saying I don't know that much.

But I was raised Christian, saw 5 siblings raised together work out their faith, married a man raised Christian and know intimately the stories of his 3 siblings.  I have done ministry in Chicago for many years in  a church full of 1st generation Christians, few who were raised in church.  So that's why I'm pointing this out to my blog readers.  Maybe you have seen differently.

Why err on the side of a lackadaisical "it will be fine" attitude?  That's not for me.  I rather make mistakes in motion.  Then I know at least I tried.

 

What do you think B?

Cake pops!

15th Birthday hairdo session...

Girls sewed their skirts ;-)

Lost Wisdom re: teens...taking a look from another century

Interesting excerpt from one of those books I saw in New Salem, titled "The Mother's Book" 1831. This is from the chapter on teenagers:

Young girls learn many mischievous lessons from their companions at school. Among a mass of young ladies collected from all sorts of families, there will of course be much vanity, frivolity, and deceit, and some indecency. The utmost watchfulness of a teacher cannot prevent some bad influences. For this reason, I should myself decidedly prefer instructing a daughter in my own house; but I am aware that in most families this course would be expensive and inconvenient. However, I would never trust a young girl at a boarding school without being sure that her room-mate was discreet, well-principled, and candid. I should rather have a daughter's mind a little less improved, than to have her heart exposed to corrupt influences; for this reason, I should prefer a respectable school in the country to a fashionable one in the city. For the same reason, I should greatly dread a young lady's making long visits from home, unless I had perfect confidence in every member of the family she visited, and in every person to whom they would be likely to introduce her. There is no calculating the mischief that is done by the chance acquaintances picked up in this way. If there are sons in the families visited, the danger is still greater. I do not, of course, allude to any immorality of conduct; I should hope girls even tolerably educated would never be guilty of anything like immodesty. But young ladies, ignorant of the world and its vices, often do imprudent things without knowing them to be imprudent. If they have strong and enthusiastic affections, even their innocent frankness will in all probability be misconstrued by those who are not themselves pure and open-hearted. At all events, the frequent intercourse likely to exist between a visiter and the brothers of her friend is extremely apt to fill her head with a diseased anxiety for the admiration of the other sex, and with silly, romantic ideas about love – ideas which have no foundation in reason, nature or common sense. Many unhappy matches have been the result of placing young people under the influence of such sentimental excitement, before they were old enough to know their own minds. Such unions are often dignified with the name of love-matches; but love has nothing to do with the business – fancy, vanity, or passion is the agent; and vanity is by far the most busy of the three. To call such thoughtless connexions love-matches is a libel upon the deepest, holiest, and most thoughtful of all the passions.

In this country, girls are often left to themselves at the very period when above all others, they need a mother's care. In France, mothers always visit with their daughters; and if restraint upon unmarried people is carried to excess there, we certainly err on the opposite extreme. We allow too much freedom, and we allow it too soon. I believe it is much better for a very young lady never to go about alone, or visit for any length of time from home, without her mother.

http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/child/book/book.html#X

Teens & Sex

Parents are often confused about how to help young people make good choices.  They don't know how to help them relate to the opposite sex in a pure way.  The kids stumble along, and the parents are often shocked.  They are shocked by their choices.  They wonder why they did it? And how do I stop them?  

They often miss shepherding the heart.  

Dean helped shepherd my heart.  He talked all about God, sex and relationships.   I followed his guidelines, but I didn't understand his "dating progression" when I dated my first love, Chad Kimball, and so those days were hard.  We really needed more help to walk out Dean's steps in his book on relationships.  We stumbled along, but Dean set the bar high for me, and I am indebted to him.

I particularly like his chapter, "How far is too far?"  He uses Scripture to define healthy boundaries.   For example, Christians who grew up as unbelievers often set the bar at pregnancy.  That was what Momma or Grandma warned them about.  But sin begins a long time before that. 

So often, parents don't react when their child flirts.  But Dean Sherman defines "Lasciviousness" as " stirring up within us, or within others desires in another that cannot be righteously satisfied" (Gal. 5:19; 2 Cor. 12:21; 1 Peter 4:3; Jude 4).  

This book is available through YWAM publishing here.  

Singleminded Singles....

Learning to Love the Bridegroom

A lesson for singles & discontent married people

singleminded singles

1. God wants us girls, at this time in our lives to be passionately (Passion: all your heart, soul, mind and strength “The Greatest Commandment”) in love with Him.

a.       It’s natural that you would desire a man (“A woman’s desire will be for her husband…” Gen 3, and “but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.”  and 1 Cor. 7 34)

b.      It’s natural that you would marry.  Paul urged young women to marry, “Therefore, I want younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach..” 1 Tim. 5:14

c.       But, He must do a work in you where your desire for Him rules over any other. This is our lesson in the first commandment God gave Moses.  “I am the Lord your God…You shall have no other gods before Me.” Deut. 20:2

d.      He is jealous for your love.  “for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God” Ex 20:5.  and “I will betroth you to me forever.” and “In that day’, declares the Lord, ‘you will call me ‘my husband’” Hosea 2:16, 19,20.

2. God wants to build character in us.  He wants to grow our Dependency on Him. When we know and depend on the Father, we prefer His will above anything else. 

a.       To depend wholly on a man exclusive of God is our natural fallen state as women.  To receive love, affirmation, acceptance and security from a human relationship in order to feel valuable and important is our sinful state of being.

b.      God designed us to depend on Him.  “Lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” And “Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you.” “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Joy Dawson describes how dependency flows out of relationship, “God wants to bring us to the place where what He tells us to do is not nearly as important as who He is who gives the order.”

3. Distractions to these works of God in our lives include: thinking about men, talking about men, absorption in our feelings about men.  Hosea 2:13 says, “She went after her lovers, but me she forgot.”
4. Overcoming Distraction brings success in our single season of life. 

a.)    God will draw you, “Therefore I am now going to allure her: I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” Hosea 2:14

b.)    He will woo you.  “Listen, O daughter, give attention and incline your ear: Forget your people and your father’s house; Then the King will desire your beauty.  Because He is your Lord, bow down to Him.”  Ps 45:10,11.

c.)    He will show you his faithfulness when you trust Him, “I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness.” Hosea 2:20

d.)   He will frustrate your plans to worship other gods, “Therefore, behold, I will hedge up her way with thorns, And I will build a wall against her so that she cannot find her paths.  “She will pursue her lovers, but she will not overtake them; And she will seek them, but will not find them.  Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my first husband, For it was better for me then than now!’

e.)    Faith in his promise will grant success , “Unless the Lord builds the house (my relationship with a man/ my family) its builders labor in vain,” .  We will overcome distractions in this season of life if we focus on our good future promised to us, and the vanity of striving after our desires for a man and a family. 

Girls & Boys Groups

This morning after snagging a cantelope from the Farmer's Market, I jumped in the van with the fam.  Chad dropped all the girls at the "Daughters of Destiny" brunch and Bible study.  Over tea and Mexican pastries we studied themes related to this book:

Then, Chad and Tom headed over to pound nails and eat donuts and Mike's.  They are studying this book:

We are a multicultural bunch united by a vision to raise Godly boys and girls.  I am so thankful for the fellowship and friends who are supporting us. 

Connection fuels growth

It seems to me that the biggest factor in a person's personal and spiritual growth is their connection to other people. When a single marries he or she usually experiences turbulence and growth. College students on their own get into trouble. Disengaged couples struggle in their marriages. Chad and I joke that singles should get married for discipleship purposes only--to rub off their rough edges. Leaders in the church who are isolated--not in body but in heart--tend to stall their own growth. I've commonly seen that the undoing of a leader is his fear to be known "for real" in community. The untouched places are his influence "ceiling". This is one reason I love the latino culture in which I find myself. They connect more easily than their insulated northern neighbors. This is a broad stroke and there are many exceptions; however, their cultural pattern is strikingly different. The loyalty to the family group precedes personal goals and independence. I want to fight my own introversion and self protection to be able to truly grow. I don't want to become suspicious and distrustful of others, so afraid of what they might do to me that I cannot receive from them what good they have to offer.