Chad and I were discussing last night why codependents are attracted to addicts or other codependents. This is a serious problem. I have an addict friend who is disinterested in a very healthy possible relationship and drawn to a very unhealthy one. Why is that?
Chad explained to me that if you are insecure, you feel strong with a "weaker" person to "help". You gain a sense of power by connecting with someone who "needs" you. Or on the other hand, if you are insecure you may be drawn to someone who will dominate you. You have no strength and their strength gives you a sense of security. This made alot of sense to me. How sad to consider that insecurities attract. And yet, he encouraged me that self awareness can lead to better choices. How important then, the role of education in the Recovery ministry...
3 comments:
Co-deps and addicts are like puzzle pieces that fit together. There is also a sense of normalcy about that dysfunctional system. Usually both parties unconsciously are drawn to what they know from their family of origin. And then there's the denial factor! It's so huge in the romance trance.
I like that, "The romance trance"...it really is...
You guys are right on. Because of their own insecurities, the codependent person cannot fathom that a healthy relationship would build them up, not overpower them. It's in their subconscious.
In my own counseling ministry I usually find this is because of unhealthy parenting by one or both parents. There are other reasons, of course, but parenting seems to be the culprit in my experience.
Helping the codependent to actually experience other healthy relationships helps too -- especially when one of those healthy relationships is the same kind of relationship that did the original damage. Bringing them into fellowship with a set of parents that are loving and caring for their kids correctly (for example) is huge. This is where the church and small groups can be a huge blessing.
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